Okay, here’s the second part of the double post – the parenting tips. Brent commented last Thursday that he’s a little concerned that his kids (ages 9 and 13) are watching “The Family Guy,” partly because the show is on 80 times a day, thanks to syndication, their friends are watching it and, um, dad really likes the show.
The interesting thing is that there are really three different issues going on here. But I’m only going to deal with one (and what I believe is the most important). Granted, the issues of how to handle a show that is constantly on and constantly promoted and that all your kids’ friends are watching, never mind how inappropriate it is, are issues I’ll be dealing with on a regular basis because that’s a lot of what’s on TV these days. But if we can get this primary principle, all the rest of it gets a lot easier to deal with.
I am going to give you the single most important thing to remember when you have kids: You are the parent. Simply by virtue of the fact that you have been on the planet longer than they have and that you are responsible for their welfare, their behavior and how they turn out, gives you the right to say what they can and cannot do, watch, whatever.
This is one of those things that seems insanely obvious, but watching a lot of parents and the way they act, I have to wonder if they really get it. I understand that none of us want to be harsh discplinarians. Nobody wants to suck the spirit out of their kids and turn them into little obedient automations – especially since it frequently backfires and turns them into hard-core rebels, instead.
But, there is a middle-ground here, folks. Kids (even teens) need firm boundaries and discipline. That doesn’t mean whupping the tar out of them, it doesn’t mean abusively belittling them for every single mistake. But it also doesn’t mean letting them run wild and and treating them as if the world revolves around them.
Nor does it make us hypocrites if we like shows that are not appropriate for our kids. After all, we are adults. Our kids are not. We have had the time to think about what our values are. We have had the time to come to some sort of conclusion about what makes a family healthy and what doesn’t. We can separate out what we see on TV as fantasy and what is reality and what we want our family to reflect and what we don’t. Our kids have literally not been around long enough to do that.
Most importantly, it is our job as parents to give our kids the tools to make those very distinctions. Yes, part of that training is what folks in the education “biz” call modeling. In other words, we have to behave the way we want our kids to behave or they’re not likely to do what we want them to.
But, but, but and I say again, but… Another important part of that training is helping them to see that gaining in maturity will give them certain privileges. We don’t let kids drive until they’re a certain age because they are simply not old enough for that specific responsibility. We don’t want kids drinking alcoholic beverages before a certain age because the vast majority of them are not mature enough to handle it. (Okay, there are plenty of adults who aren’t, either, but when you’re codifying things, you have to draw clear cut lines.) We don’t want kids engaging in sexual relationships too early because they are simply not able to handle all the potential consequences, which include not just pregnancy, but sexually transmitted diseases and all the emotional consequences.
As I often told my daughter when she was growing up, my job was to turn her into a responsible adult. Understanding that simple goal and the difference between a child and an adult made it a heck of a lot easier for me to put my foot down when necessary. We all pay lip-service to the idea that we are not our kids’ friends. It takes a lot of guts to actually live it. But, trust me, when you do, it makes life with kids a lot easier. And most importantly, it’s a lot healthier for our kids.
